"You don't have a chance."

When I was nine years old I asked my dad if I could go running with him. I asked him to go again, and again, and again. And there my friends, is where I became who I am.  At 12 years old I ran an 18:40 5K and at 14 placed 6th in the country at the Junior Olympics. Things were looking like I could really be good. I started my freshman year of high school off on fire. I was placing near the top of most of my cross country races and in track I had beat a state champion in the 2 mile and set a school record in the mile (which still stands. TOOT TOOT!). Sophomore year cross country I became the first girl in school history to qualify for the state meet. Things were still looking pretty good. Then track season came and went with nothing short of disappointment. Thinking back, I can't really tell you what happened or why, but something during that season changed me. I struggled the rest of my high school career. I never made another state meet nor did I run any faster than I did my freshman year.

I was frustrated, felt defeated and unhappy. Not many people know this, but I debated unlacing my running shoes and never putting them on again - more than once. However, every time my brain battled my heart I would break down in tears. I took this as a sign that I just wasn't ready to call it quits. So I didn't. I plodded through the rest of my very inconsistent seasons having a few great races and the rest I would call mediocre. It's not like I was running awful times, I just wasn't running any faster. I wish I could put some of the blame on the fact that I was a team of one and battled a bad case of anemia one year, but it's not the case.

My college career started out pretty much the same way as it did in high school. I had a stellar freshman cross country season followed by a pretty decent track season where I had a big PR in the 5K and I qualified and ran in our conference championships. Sophomore track season is really where things went wrong; way wrong. Every season we would sit down with our coach in a "goal meeting." I walked into my meeting with Coach, goals in hand and ready to go. I walked out of there in tears and never having felt so worthless. When I told him my goals he sat back in his chair, crossed his arms and - I kid you not - said

"You don't have a chance."

Having struggled through high school and trying to rebuild my confidence, those five words had done me in. Over the next few years I again found myself debating whether or not I wanted to continue running; again sobbing my eyes out every time I thought about it. Thankfully (my team mates all know how big of a THANKFULLY that is!) my coach left before the start of my junior year and we were blessed to have a new - and VERY much improved - coach. Things did get better for me but again my seasons were very inconsistent. I qualified both junior and senior year for track conference champs but other things kept me from being able to compete in them. I finished out my eligibility feeling like I had really done nothing worth speaking of. 

It's hard to look back and see how good I was when I was young and the hopes and dreams I had, to having it play out the way it did. However, I have three things to blame for this: ME, MYSELF and I. During high school and college I didn't want to admit it, but I ran weak and I ran scared.  I have to be honest with myself and own up to the fact that I could have achieved all those dreams but I got in my own way. I gave into the pain and just wasn't ready to go through the hurt that it takes to win. It was easier to say I had a bad day than to deal with the fact that I just got beat. 

Even as I type this, I am pissing myself off. Why did I do that?! I didn't run up to my potential and I watched everyone around me do so. Instead of knowing how good I could have been, I have to ask "What if?"  Well, that damn question is a question that I will ask myself no longer. I am done wondering how good I can be and I am done being afraid to hurt. I am out to find out how good I WILL be and how bad I can make it hurt. I used to see paces for my workouts and say "HA, ya right!" and now I see them and think "Bring it on." It took a lot to get myself to this point. I had to do a lot of letting go and give myself a HUGE reality check. I put so much pressure on myself to be good that I psyched myself out. I finally had to say "Erin, WHO CARES!? Now, obviously I care - a whole hell of a lot. But, if I have a bad day it doesn't affect anybody but me! Nobody is going to judge me if I don't win and they aren't going to judge me if I don't PR. Running is purely for ME and while I am serious about it, I also need to relax a bit. Since accepting this, I have lifted that excess pressure and have pushed harder, run faster and finished stronger. The thought of quitting has not crossed my mind since crossing the line at CIM in 2009. I absolutely love running - not that I never did -  and I can't even describe to you the passion I have for it. 

Every time I compete I am competing to win. Every time I lace up my shoes I am competing with myself.

I am excited to really hit the training hard for my fall marathon. Coach Dad will be putting me through some new training styles, kicking up my mileage and pushing me harder than ever. I am building a solid base over summer and working on developing my speed. (GOD DAMN I forgot how bad 5Ks hurt!) I have also started working with two strength coaches. So far they have torn my form apart, embarrassed me about how weak I am (unintentionally....I think! ;) ) and made my so sore it hurts to wash my hair. Call me psycho but I love every second of it. They are an "Oh, it hurts? Here's five more pounds" type of gym that will push you to better both mentally and physically. I am already feeling stronger on my runs - I will let you know about my arms later haha - and look forward to having my ass handed to me ever week. OT 2016!

You can check them out at The Ranch Athletics. <---- Click Here

RACE RECAP: Avenue of the Vines

Well, like I had mentioned in an earlier post, races don't always go as planned. Today....was one of those days. (insert words your mom would wash your mouth out with soap for saying.)

I have been working my ass off the past seven weeks to run a sub-80 (under 1:20:00 for my non-runner folk) for a half marathon. Workouts were going well - really well - and I was feeling really good about racing. I had a nice taper this week and after my shake out run yesterday my legs were feeling really good. 

Aside from the start being pushed back to 7:30 - at 6:55 meaning my warm up was already done- and then pushed back forward only to stand for 10 more minutes at the line, the day was looking great. So I thought. The gun goes off, we make the first turn and BOOM....head wind. SERIOUSLY!? Where was this all morning!? The course layout was essentially one giant box. The first 4 miles being run on the same long, straight road. (Want proof? Look here http://www.usatf.org/routes/view.asp?rID=115526 ) Four miles of a head wind? Not ideal. Head wind aside, the first mile was ridiculously slow from my own doing. I was trying to gauge my pace off the group of teenage guys who I assumed would be going balls to the wall from the start. They didn't go out hard and the pace felt somewhat "easy." After half a mile I had a suspicion that I was definitely going to be slow the first mile - better than too fast! I moved up to the back of that group and when we went through the mile I had two choices: Stay at this with the pack, draft, definitely miss my goal time OR battle the wind head on and hope for the best. So I decided to hope for the best. I moved around them - as they said " Man, we are going to get beat my a girl!" haha - and picked up the pace. 

Now, from having done this racing thing multiple times in my life, I knew that trying to PR pace while fighting the wind would only come back to haunt me the last few miles of the race. So I dropped the pace to where I felt like I was working "comfortably hard" without over working. Knowing that the course was a box, I knew that I was going to get a nice tailwind the second half and so I decided that was going to be when I would start to put the hammer down. By mile five I was out of the wind enough to finally get on goal pace. I could tell the wind had done some damage on my legs, but I still felt like I would be able to hold strong until the end. Mile seven is where the race turned ugly. I took my GU - like I do EVERY time I race a half or longer - and my stomach decided it did NOT care for GU today. Now, I am not talking about the normal "side-stitch" stomach cramping. I am talking about the normal side-stitch + nausea +  I might shit. F*CK. I was really hurting. I tried my best to maintain my pace but the harder I pushed, my intestines pushed back a little harder. By mile 10 I knew I had fallen off enough to miss my time. The last 3 miles turned into a suffer fest of trying not to lose it from either end and battling the wind.  Not to mention that I had run completely alone, aside from one of the cyclists, since mile two. Makes you jealous that you aren't  me, right? 

Well if you don't envy me yet, you will now.  I was able to hang on long enough to place 3rd overall and 1st female. You may be saying to yourself  "big deal, you won." Well the winner, both male and female, win their weight in wine! BOOM. Jealous now!? However, as a very vino friend of mine pointed out (thanks, Shannon Elsemore!) I am not a big drinker. Aside from a bottle or two, the wine will be going to a wedding (sorry Shannon!) of two awesome runner friends of mine; you may know them: Michelle La Sala, CIM Race Director (no big deal & yes I totally just name dropped) and Kevin Pool, pretty much a marathon badass (PR 2:18:59).

To sum up: I didn't run a PR but got a win and a crap load of wine. Aren't you glad you read all that when you could have just read that last sentence? Love you, too. ;) 

All the spectators on the course...sans the cows.

Age Group Award

Haha Ya, right!

Saying you won your weight in wine sounds a lot better than it looks! ;)

Moving Out & Moving On

If there is one thing that running has taught me it is that you can plan out the best race strategy and when race day comes, things may not go your way. You are faced with two choices: adjust your plan or watch someone else win. You have to be able to adjust as you go, take a chance, and hope for the best. What if it doesn't work? You learn from it, process it, and move on. The same principle applies to life; and especially mine at the moment. I moved, had a plan, it didn't work. So I re-evaluated  made more decisions, and here I am. 

It has been no mystery to anyone that the last year has not been kind to me or my family and things have not been easy. But, life in general isn't easy. I made my decisions and now have to live with them. Things didn't workout the way I planned them to, so I had to reevaluate. Yes, it has hurt me, but I have been through worse. What the hell am I talking about? For those who may need catching up: I am no longer living in Colorado, but am back home in Northern California, and I am no longer in the relationship I went there in. The upside: no more negative temps and running in the snow, and I am injury free and training harder than ever. 

Since moving home I have felt like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I spent so much of my time trying to please other people - between my two jobs and other things - that I wasn't doing anything to please myself. So, I have decided that I am going to take some time and do just that. I am going to focus the majority of my energy into my training. I am coming back strong right now and have a whole new level of motivation. One week after I got back to California, I ran the Sactown 10 Miler . No I didn't win, nor was I even close. However, I knew that going into the race. I was/am not in race shape and this race has some of the nations best women competing in it. I raced for two reasons 1.) to help my team win the team competition - which we did! WHOOP!- and 2.) to dust the cobwebs off my race legs. Not having raced since my PR at the Chicago Marathon in October, and training for a half marathon in May, I was a bit rusty.  I finished the race in a 1:02:13 and placing 13th female (I had a secret goal of top 15!). The pace per mile ended up being equal to that of my half marathon PR (6:14 per mile). So not so good for only a 10 miler. However, I walked away from this race feeling great about my time. I wasn't in shape, but I had just raced my ass off. From the gun I knew this race was going to hurt...and it did. I went through periods of feeling strong, and then having my legs lock up. Around mile seven I really started to hurt. The two women I had been running with were starting to pull away and my legs were screaming at me. However, I wasn't slowing down even though I was having to work harder and harder. I remember thinking to myself  "Suck it up, Erin. You have finished a marathon seeing spots, you can finish a damn 10 miler." I kept my eyes on the two women and at 8.5 miles said f*ck it, if I crash, I crash! I made a big surge to catch the first woman and right around mile 9 I did, and then went after the second. She was about 25 second or so ahead of me. I had my eyes deadlocked on her back, my arms and legs giving everything they had, and my stomach getting increasingly more nauseous with every step. I finished my last mile in 5:56, but came up short on catching her and one other woman. (both ran the Olympic trials in 2012 and are stud runners!) Though I didn't PR, what did I have to complain about? I pushed my body physically, but even more so I pushed it mentally and never gave into the pain. A win-win, as they like to call it. I am hungry for competition and  want to be in the mix racing with these women again. I am so ready to run a fast time and I can not wait to race again on May 19th at the Avenue of the Vines half marathon! 

All in all, as hard of a decision that it was to leave Colorado I truly believe that I made the right choice and it feels so good to be back. I am so much happier and I am glad to be around my family, my friends and the amazing running community that Sacramento has. It truly can not be matched! 

Home Is Where My Heart Is...

...So that is where I'll be. That's right, I am moving home to California.

It has been a tough decision to make - with a lot of thinking and tears - but I have decided that Colorado Springs is not the right place for me...right now. I will definitely miss Colorado and everything is has to offer, but California has more of what I need. Mainly, my friends and family. I mean that as no offense to those who I have met here in Colorado. Every single friend I have made is absolutely amazing; and I hope that I can consider them to be life long friends. But, for the year I have had, my close friends and my family are what I really need. I have tried to create that sense of home for myself here but have just not quite found what I am looking for. I don't feel content, I am struggling to find motivation to run, and frankly...a bit over the cold! (Haha) Don't get me wrong, I will absolutely miss this place with the backdrop of Pikes Peak and the amazing sunsets it can create. I will miss my favorite running trails and the views and training at altitude. I will gladly trade that for the Auburn trails, laying by the lake and being with my family all to feel happy again. (Not to mention being able to smash some speed workouts on the track again!)

Going to miss this!

So, today I put in my 30 days notice and at the end of March I will have sold all my furniture, packed up my car and be on my way back to the west coast.  Until then, I will make the best of my last month here and see all that I can see. Who knows, I can see myself back here so maybe someday I will be!

See you soon, California :) 

MAYBE NEXT YEAR

In life we are faced with a lot of decisions where we have to choose whether to hang on, or whether to let go.  These decisions are usually the hardest to make because you don't want to let go, even though you know that it would be for the best. You continually think that if you gave just a little more and put in a little more effort, things would turn around. In some situations this could work, but in most it doesn't. And that holds so true to training and racing.

At the end of last year I planned out my 2013 racing schedule and picked my two big marathons to be the Eugene Marathon in April and the California International Marathon December. As you know, in the end of November I came up with a knee injury that had me sidelined all the way until Christmas. As we got into January I was running pretty well and feeling OK. However, in the back of my head I was feeling a bit of pressure from the time crunch I was going to be under to get into race shape for Eugene. Coach Dad and I decided that we would make the race more of a 'B' race and try some new training methods. Things continued to spiral the other direction with Mother Nature gracing Colorado with lots of snow (forcing me on the Dreadmill), a hefty work schedule, some personal issues and having A LOT of trouble sleeping ( I know all of it doesn't sound like much but it is enough to feel overwhelming). Feeling exhausted and overwhlelmed was causing my motivation to tank and I was struggling to get my runs in. Then this last week I came down with an awful stomach bug that had me throwing up at the smallest sip of water. I didn't eat any real food for 4 days, and so I wasn't running either. I finally cracked and really wasn't feeling like I was going to be ready, mentally or physically, to race a marathon.

I called Coach Dad and told him what I was feeling. We decided that trying to force this marathon was not going to do me, or my running any good. So we called it off. Part of me is so relieved and I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off of my shoulders; but the other half of my feels like such a quitter. Almost like I copped out because things weren't going so well. However, I know that this was the right decision for me mentally and physically. I am not willing to risk another injury, more stress and shaky confidence just to get another marathon on my resume. Now, I can build a strong base and have a little more flexibility in my running without the added pressure of hitting workouts, weekly mileage, paces, etc.

Flexibility = More fun. More fun = More motivation. 

More motivation = Getting my ass out of this slump!

I will still have some structure to my training with weekly mileage goals, progression runs and hill repeats. However, there will be no specific times to hit or races to run and workouts will be on an 'as-I-feel' effort. I plan on doing more of my weekly runs on the trails for some added strength (and cheap therapy!). I am looking forward to hitting the reset button and coming back with a vengeance and hunger to race again. 

READY, SET....

Just a Little Update

This past week I was able to get back to doing some decent running. I tested the knee - and my will power with negative degree temperatures - by running back to back days; one being a longer progression run followed by a shorter run. This is how my week looked:

Monday - 3 miles easy (followed by 6 on Sunday and yoga)
Tuesday- Ride: 50 min w/7x 1:00 climbing efforts, 2:00 hard, 2:00 recovery
                 Weights & Bootcamp
Wednesday- Off, not feeling well
Thursday- 7 mile Progression run (8:30,8:03,7:49,7:43,7:15,7:04,6:39)
                  Weights & Bootcamp
Friday- Yoga
Saturday - 8 mile Progression run (8:33,8:22,8:10,7:54,7:50,7:38,7:26,6:56)
                 Weights
Sunday- 4 miles easy
TOTAL: 22 miles

While I was taking time off I added a lot of lifting to try and maintain, and build, some leg strength. I feel like it has really been helping and my runs aren't suffering as much as I thought they would be after taking such a long time off. I've also included yoga to my weekly routine to try and keep the hips healthy (the knee pain was ultimately a hip issue resinating in the knee). All of which, has been kicking my butt given that I had some faster runs this week (YAY!). Saturdays run struggled a bit because my legs were suffering from some left over crap in them from Thursdays run - which was supposed to be Wednesday so I was down a day of rest. I haven't dipped under 7:00 pace since Chicago and my legs were letting me know they were a little upset with me for pushing the pace. I just told them to shut up and run! :)

Today my body is feeling pretty beat up from a heavier week of running, lifting, yoga (which IS hard!) and of course doing my Jimmying! The good news: I am still pain free. I am taking the today to relax, watch football and do some foam rolling because next week I am FINALLY getting back to a regular training program!! WOOOOO HOOOOOO! I have two real workouts and a long run which will have my weekly mileage cracking 30 miles. Sounds so weird being happy with 30 miles when I'm used to at LEAST 50 a week. It's about the small victories right now so I am happy with what I get to do!!

Have a great week everybody!

Hindsight 2012: My Year in Review

*HAPPY NEW YEAR!*

If you would have asked me after the first two weeks of this year, how I thought 2012 would be I would never have guessed it would have turned out the way it did. Within the first two weeks I had won a race, gotten a new tattoo, gone skydiving with my family, watched the marathon Olympic Trials and raced my way to a seven minute PR in the half-marathon. One hell of a start, if ya ask me!

February and March continued on the forward trend with another race win and PR at the Valentine's Day 4 Miler and yet another half-marathon PR by nearly two minutes and an overall win at the Shamrock'n Half Marathon. At the beginning of February I was challenged by two friendly vegetarians *cough* Rachel and Chris *cough* to go meatless for one  month. So I accepted; and survived the whole month without having a bite of meat. Harder than it sounds, let me tell ya! Needless to say veggie-only just isn't my style.

Training was going really well and I was only a few weeks out from racing my fourth marathon at the Country Music Marathon in Nashville and was feeling great. However, I think most of you know what happens next; life got real.

As I was getting into bed in my hotel, I got a call from the front desk that I had visitors. Weird, I don't know anybody here.  At the elevator I was met by my mom, dad, step parents and my sister. WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON? We walk to my room where my world preceded to fall apart. They were there to tell me that my older sister had an accident and had passed away in her home in Alaska. My mind went stupid and the first thing out of my mouth was "Are you kidding?!". It would be a cruel and awful joke, but I would give anything for it have been one. The girl who I shared my room with and played dress up and built forts with and went swimming and who braided my hair when I was little, was gone. I lost part of my childhood, my teen years and have been robbed of having her present in my adult life at any holiday, my wedding, and being an aunt to my future children.

I miss you.

After the tears, hyperventilating and wanting to throw up, my family took me home. The next few weeks weren't any easier (and to be honest, time still hasn't done much healing.). At 25 years old I found myself having to help my parents plan a service, pick out flowers, shop for a coffin and choose a burial plot for my 27 year old sister. On top of that, I had to decide what to do about my upcoming marathon. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating and did I really want to attempt this race and have a mental breakdown half way through? After family discussions and a lot of thinking I decided to run the marathon. I had put in months of training, the trip was paid for and we couldn't hold any services until after the date of the race due to some logistics. Race day came around and right before the race I wrote her initials on my wrist, right above my watch. I would see them at every mile split and be reminded to keep on fighting. Around mile 20-21 I hit, actually slammed, into that figurative wall every marathoner knows so well. At 80+ degrees and some ridiculous humidity, I plunged deep into the pain cave. My pace slowed by a minute per mile but still, at every mile I saw her initials and I kept on pushing. I crossed the line 3rd female over all and a new PR of 3:00:56. My goal originally was to run sub-3 hours but given my situation, a PR was more than I could have asked for. It was bitter sweet knowing that I still had to return home and go through the hardest day of my life: her burial. The day came and went with lots of tears, tissues, friends and family. 

Move in day!

Although it seemed soon after, the end of May brought my move to Colorado to live and train at altitude. Looking back, maybe it was a bit too soon. However, I was constantly running into people I knew and being asked how I was doing. I just wanted to get out and go somewhere that nobody knew what I was going through. The move went well and it was a long two days of driving; but we had made it with no real hiccups to complain about. We didn't have a place to live yet so we crashed with Clayton and Caroline until we found a place of our own. Luckily, it was pretty quick and after four days we were moving into what is now our home.

It took me a while to find a job; which was a little stressful since bills don't stop when income does! After finding one, well two, I felt a lot better and things were starting to look good. We had a house, we had jobs, we had tackled Pikes Peak within the first few weeks, all that was left was to acclimate. Trying to train at 6300ft after living at sea level was, and is, no joke! 

Chicago marathon was five months away and I was determined to finally break the three hour mark. June through September was a tough few months. Not only was I already on the emotional fritz, trying to stay mentally charged for workouts was getting tougher and tougher when you push yourself 200% and your body just DOESN'T MOVE. It was by far the hardest training cycle I have ever been through. Easy runs were much slower, hitting pace workouts felt impossible and recovery felt like it wasn't happening. I'd never been on such a roller-coaster of good and bad runs. Going into Chicago marathon I had no clue were I was physically. I knew I was in great shape, but the question was what kind of marathon shape was I in. This effected my mental game because I didn't feel like I was dialed in and not mentally focused on race day. All bitching aside, my training paid off. I raced well and finished with my fastest last mile of any marathon (6:20), never hit that damn wall and finally broke three hours! (2:58 to be exact! :] ) As happy as I am with it, I think I could have run faster. ;)

After Chicago I planned to run the North Face Endurance Challenge 50k in the Headlands of San Francisco. It was going to be my first ultra-marathon. Unfortunately, two weeks before the race I injured my knee and couldn't race. It took me a little over a month to get things right and back to running again. Although I didn't race, Chris was still racing so I flew out and ended up crewing for him, followed by a quick few days home to visit my family. It was nice to be able to see them since I wasn't able to get home for Christmas. I had a VERY  fun Christmas with the Vargo family in the mountains near Breckenridge. We did a whole lot of relaxing and a little snowshoeing. The highlight though, was watching home videos of Chris and his brother when they were kids! Haha

This year was nothing short of difficult and I know 2013 wont be easy either. I still struggle with dealing with the death of my sister and know I it will be a while before the tears stop at night. All I can do is keep working hard and hope for the best. I have a lot of great people around me and an amazing, amazing family (immediate and extended!) who support me in my running dreams and are my biggest fans. I love all of you!!

As far as running goes, my two big races for 2013 are Eugene marathon in April and then back to where it all started with the California International Marathon in December. I'm sure there will be some races run in between those, so I'll keep ya posted!

A few other honorable mentions from this year:  visiting Mt. Rushmore which was AMAZING; three weeks after moving to CO I ran a 9 mile trail race in which I placed 3rd female and even won a little cash (and vomited after); we lived through a nasty wild fire; my dad came out to visit me; Chris and I hiked Pikes Peak a second time, this time being the much harder but prettier back side; I was able to get home and surprise my mom and sister for their birthdays; and I turned 26. Haha

There ya have it, my 2012 in short review. 

Snowshoeing near Mt. Helen

Mt. Rushmore! 

HERE IS TO A NEW YEAR!